Scheduled Serenity
Setting aside time to relax is not just a luxury; it’s essential to reaching your wedding day healthy and happy. Massage and acupuncture are proven stress-busters, lowering blood pressure and providing a break from the hubbub. “Take an hour or a half-hour to put the focus on yourself so you can go back out and face the world,” says Maura McCarthy, massage therapist at Studio 411 in Minneapolis.
Yoga can have the same effect, particularly classes that focus on breathing, says Jennifer Gray, owner and founder of the Yoga Center in St. Louis Park and Minneapolis. While active yoga classes can be a great calming influence, don’t start up a rigorous practice just before your wedding; you don’t want to be limping down the aisle. Instead, keep yoga in your life if it’s already there, and if you’re new to it, remember that consistency is more important than intensity.
Though few people dispute the benefits of relaxation, one of the great ironies of Western culture is that we have to schedule it into our lives. But you’re more likely to find time for calming activities when you recognize their health benefits. “Make it something you have to do so you can arrive on your wedding day relaxed, refreshed and able to enjoy the day you created,” says Gray.
Taking a meditation class together could be one of the best investments of your pre-marital life, providing you with tools to get through stressful times. There are many different forms of meditation, but most emphasize attention to your own breath as the quickest way to inner peace. For example, ayurveda, the ancient Indian healing system, teaches “belly breathing”: Sit quietly, place your hands over your lower abdomen and breathe into your hands. Focusing on inhaling and exhaling, even for a few minutes, can slow the entire nervous system down to a resting hum.
Breathwork is also portable, free and you don’t have to schedule it. “We can breathe wherever we are,” says Terry Pearson, a meditation teacher with the University of Minnesota’s Center for Spirituality and Healing, “especially when you’re walking down the aisle and preparing for your wedding.”
Boundaries + Flexibility
Brides aren’t the only ones with ideas on how things should go on their wedding days. Mothers, sisters, friends and a new generation of grooms want to put in their two cents too, and sometimes dealing with the differing opinions can feel overwhelming. “Setting boundaries is really important,” says Suzanne Kramer, psychotherapist with The Gate Counseling For Women in St. Louis Park. “Agree to the boundaries with your mate. Sit down over dinner, take notes.”
Jessie and Chris regularly check in with one another. With each decision, they ask each other: “How important is this to you?” The food matters more to Chris than to Jessie, for example, so he’s in charge of that aspect of the wedding.
“Remember that you’re a team,” says Kramer. “You have to do a lot of self-monitoring.” Use a code word or phrase—preferably something funny—to remind each other when one of you has lost perspective.
If you’re still finding it hard to laugh, take a time-out. Do something fun or relaxing together; remember why you fell in love, says Kramer. She has her clients bring in their calendars, sit down together and plan out the upcoming week using colored pens: red for must-do, blue for what needs to be done but not urgently and green for time to yourselves.
Even chores can be dates. If your fiancé has to go try on tuxes, set a limit—for example, no more than three locations; then treat yourselves to dinner or drinks during which you can talk about anything but the wedding. Or when it’s time for you and your bridesmaids to go through a trial run for hair and makeup, make a party of it. Fivetwosix Salon, Spa and Gallery in St. Paul, for instance, offers a great backroom gallery in which to lounge. The salon can bring in breakfast, gourmet box lunches or serve strawberries and champagne. You could also make a couples date at the salon: he gets a massage while you get a facial.
Keep it in Perspective
With all the details to think through, it’s easy to lose perspective. “Disney has created the feeling that if you get to have this day, it’s like you’re Snow White or Sleeping Beauty,” says Kramer. “It has to be perfect.” It’s important to examine your expectations from the beginning, she says. A counselor can help get your marriage off on the right foot.
Hiring a wedding planner is another way to minimize stress. He or she can shoulder a lot of the burden and help you think of back-up plans, like making sure your friends bring cameras to the wedding in case something goes wrong with the professional photography. A good planner brings more to the table than excellent organizational skills and an A-list of vendors. Laura Hotvet of Twin Cities-based Mother of the Bride Wedding Design and Coordinating Services says she plays ambassador, mediator and therapist, reminding the bride and groom of the big picture. While the wedding itself is certainly symbolic and special, it is just one day in the rest of your lives. “Sometimes it’s nice to have someone remind you that the color of ribbon on the bouquet need not cause World War III,” says Hotvet.
Jessie evaluates decisions about the wedding according to what she and her fiancé want to remember. “Every time someone asks me, ‘What are your colors?’ I have the same dumbfounded look on my face. The colors are not what I’m going to tell my children about,” she says. “Do we want people to walk away remembering the steak and salmon? Or do we want them to remember how Aunt So-and-So sang a funny song?”
